02 Jun Emotional questionnaire: Amarna Miller #issue10
Interview: Zazi White
Photographies: Stephen Ruberto
What was the most exciting day of your life?
What a tough question! I have fond memories of the first time I had an apartment to myself. After I had finished college, I moved to a beautiful penthouse in the neighbourhood of Chueca, with skylights in the ceiling that let in natural light. I brought with me a turntable that my father gave me when I was little, and my mornings consisted of eating cherries, burning incense sticks, and listening to Supertramp’s “Live in Paris”. So very bohemian.
When was the first time you felt truly scared?
While travelling through a fairly remote area of Australia, my car sank to the chassis in quicksand. Of course, there was no reception and no way to call for help. After hours digging and pulling, we managed to get one of the wheels out, and finally, the whole car.
When was the time you felt more proud of yourself?
The moment I received a Ninfa award for best actress and my nomination at the AVN Awards for best foreign actress last year.
When I decided to start in the porn industry, many people told me in a thousand different ways that the decision I was making was not appropriate, that I was going to get tired soon, that it was just something fleeting, that I should not ruin my future on a childish whim.
These awards are huge recognition for my work and a way to show them that it wasn’t a whim and that I haven’t ruined anything. I am creating my future on my terms and doing something I really wanted to do, even though it’s not politically correct!
Have you ever cried for love?
Of course, many times. We often see tears as something negative, but they are also a very reasonable way to express your emotions. Also, I cry very easily. I find it hard, and I don’t want to, repress my feelings.
Have you ever felt jealousy in your relationships?
Yes, especially in the past when I didn’t know how to manage my emotions. Since we are little, they teach us that what you like is only yours, pure materialism! If you love someone, that person has to be yours and nobody else’s. It’s terrible!
Since I was 21, I have polyamorous couples with no emotional or sexual exclusivity, and I’m doing infinitely better than when I tried to practise monogamy. Love is a beautiful feeling, so why putting a limit on it?
It doesn’t mean that polyamorous couples don’t feel jealousy. Of course, they do! Unlearning certain dynamics is very complicated, but instead of taking this emotion as explosive anger that dominates your actions and your thoughts, why not trying to manage it? When I feel jealous, what I do is think if I love my partner, be happy when he’s happy, even with someone else. Trying to monopolise the people we love emotionally can be very destructive.
Have you ever really hated someone?
Yes, but not too many people. I don’t easily get angry and try to avoid conflict situations. We would all be much happier if we were to make our decisions based on empathy and assertiveness rather than on our fears and insecurities.
Have you ever been in love?
Yes, and I still am! I have a wonderful partner with whom I practice polyamory. We base our relationship on communication and sharing our desires and plans for the future. And we are doing great.
Have you ever felt out of control?
Yes, I’m a very nervous person, almost hyperactive. When I was younger, I didn’t know how to redirect my energy positively and developed a great tendency to stress. Once I grew up, this translated into workaholism. I still don’t know how to stop and relax, not even for a single second. While working nonstop seems like a positive thing a priori, not knowing how to wind down was causing me a pretty big emotional imbalance then. So, over the years, I have been working hard to relax when I need to. Meditation, sports, and mindfulness exercises help a lot.